"She's stressed and flustered."

It's been a shitty week at work. REALLY shitty. I mean, I've come home every night this week and wanted either a stiff drink or something to hit. I'm just over it.

Today, one of my co-workers bit my head off over nothing -- in fact, I was HELPING her -- in front of several other people. I was fuming mad...I mean, seriously...spitting nails, ready to just let her know how I felt about her. I have been taking crap from people all week, and what she said was so completely out of line and uncalled for...I was just over it. My other co-worker said something to our boss, and we were met with, "Well, she's really stressed and flustered with (a bunch of work-related bullshit)." In other words, she let it go. Completely blew it off. Acted like it was NOTHING, and basically told me to suck it up.

Now, what if *I* am stressed and flustered? What if I lash out at someone because I'm overwhelmed by my job? Not that I have any reason to be...what's stressful about being short one person, slammed with high volumes of orders and phone calls like we haven't been in ages, and "supported" by a worthless production manager and lazy technical support staff? There's nothing stressful about that, right? So I have no REASON to lash out. And it wouldn't be exacerbated AT ALL by the fact that my hormones are raging (it's been almost 5 months since my last REAL period, and about 6 weeks since the brief period-wannabe I had...the hormones be snowballin'...). In fact, I work REALLY hard *NOT* to lash out at people when I'm like this. Sometimes it happens (sorry, Eddie...). But at work, I try really, really hard to keep it from happening.

So why is it that when someone else is stressed, or flustered, or just being a bitch, I have to just roll over and take it? Why can't I let fly and snap someone's head off? Fuck that.

So. Over. It.

I'd have a stiff drink -- and believe me, I've seriously considered it -- but wait! That's right, I have to go through life as if I'm pregnant JUST IN FUCKING CASE I am. Nevermind the fact that it's been over 4 years...just my luck, the night I decide to go on a bender with my good buddy Smirnoff will be the night before I get a positive test. So no, I *can't* drink even when I *want* to, because I COULD be pregnant. It's been 4 goddamned years, and all I want is ONE night to just drink myself stupid. Or hell, just a couple of drinks to get me giggly. Something. But I can't.

Great. All my lady hormones are making my job even more unbearable, and all I want is a fucking drink to defrazzle my nerves, but I *can't* because the goddamn lady hormones that are making me feel this way in the first place COULD mean I'm pregnant.

My co-worker is allowed to lash out at me because "she's stressed and flustered"? Fuck that. I'll show you "stressed and flustered".

Rant OVER.

Either I need to quit my job, or change desks.

In the last 2 years, 4 women have worked at this particular desk that's kitty-corner to mine. One of them is post-menopausal, so she doesn't count....but the other 3 have all worked there for at least a year, quit, and within 2 months of leaving, were pregnant.

Either I need to quit, or I need to wrestle that desk away from the chick that's there now...because I am obviously sitting at the WRONG desk...


EDIT: My math skills are obviously lacking. Should have been in the last 4 years, not the last 2. LOL

Made it through.

Well, we made it through the baby shower. The parents-to-be are some of our best friends, so I wouldn’t have missed it for the world, but I’m not going to lie…it was hard.

When we went shopping, we mostly stuck to practical gifts – a baby first aid kit, bath stuff, etc. I didn’t realize it until later, but I think that that was less about “let’s get them what they NEED” and more along the lines of “I can’t go near the cutesy stuff”. And by “I didn’t realize it until later”, I mean I didn’t realize it until I was surrounded by onesies, teddy bears, baby toys, baby keepsakes, baby socks (has anyone ever noticed how obscenely cute baby socks are? OMG…they’re adorable!), etc. So apparently my “Operation: Avoid Cuteness” defense mechanism had a fatal flaw. SIGH. Is it just me, or is it a sick cosmic joke that some of us even find ourselves needing to develop defense mechanisms to deal with babies and cuteness? What the hell?

By far the most difficult thing was when someone showed up with a baby. Duh, it’s a baby shower…there will always be at least one or two besides the one that’s about to be born. I fully expected that. But this one was born very close to when mine would have been. Within a month or so. Ouch.

In spite of all of that, I’m glad I went. I wouldn’t have missed it, and I’m thrilled for my friends. They went through a lot too, and I couldn’t be happier for them.

But still, throughout the evening, there was that nagging question on my brain…

When is it going to be my turn to need baby socks?

A trip down the baby aisle.

My friend's baby shower is tomorrow, so we went to Target to buy gifts. There was just no way I could stomach going to Babies R Us...at least at Target, we could hightail it to the electronics section or something if we needed to come up for air. Babies R Us is baby stuff at critical mass...something my psyche just can't handle right now.

It's kind of surreal wandering through those aisles, looking at all the things that I, a little over a year ago, had been adding to my growing mental "things we'll need in a few months" list. And of course, the calendar in my head makes sure to remind me whenever possible how old our baby would be now and how if things had worked out differently, we'd already be past the point of needing a lot of the stuff we were seeing. Hell, I'd have a clue what half the stuff was.

A year from now, who knows what life will be like? Maybe we'll have a baby of our own by then.

Sorry for the somewhat pointless ramble. I'll try to post more often now, just haven't really felt up to it. Thanks to everyone who has e-mailed and commented on my blog -- it really does help to know that people care. :)

An update.

I know, I know, it’s been a while since I’ve posted an update. Hopefully I won’t go this long without posting again…life’s just been busy.

We had a blast visiting family and friends in Washington. The first anniversary of the miscarriage came and went…it was a bit depressing, but being around everyone helped get my mind off of it.

On the health front, things are looking up. My acupuncturist is still seeing a positive change in terms of hormones, and suggested testing weekly from here on out. Fortunately, I found some wicked cheap test strips on eBay – they’re the same kind that doctors use, instead of the insanely overpriced EPT’s and crap at the grocery store. I really should’ve bought stock in EPT a few years ago…I jokingly told my acupuncturist that I have probably spent as much money on tests as I have coming to see him.

So…right now I’m waiting for my test strips to get here, and then I’ll see if anything happens. I’ve felt a bit…odd…lately. For the last couple of months, actually…which is why the acupuncturist has been so insistent that I test regularly.

I’ll post an update when I get the next test result. Send BFP vibes, people!!