Sunday, October 7, 2007

A brief update.

All the "signs" are still there, but an HPT on Saturday morning was negative. Still no period.

So...nothing new...just the same old uncertain shit.

Friday, October 5, 2007

October 15th: Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day

October 15th is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

Ironically, October 15, 2006 was the day of my second miscarriage.

I may or may not be online that day, as I will be traveling, but for those of you remembering a loss that day, my heart goes out to you.

Not a whole lot more to say. I just wanted to post something about that day, as many people are unaware of it.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Another milestone.

It was a year ago today that I found out I was pregnant. Finally, after countless negatives, a test turned positive.

In turn, the 15th will mark one year since I miscarried that pregnancy.

Reflecting on the last year, it’s difficult to comprehend that just one year ago, I was pregnant. It’s hard to imagine that overwhelming feeling that the surreal had just become real, that there was no turning back, that in a few months, it would finally be our turn to have our lives turned upside-down by a new baby. At last, we could go into Babies R Us as real parents-to-be. Our entire identity was changing. We were part of The Club. We were going to be parents.

A year later, we’re still who we were, just another year older and no closer to being parents than we were before that test turned positive. We’ve had a few fleeting glimpses of hope, as I’ve mentioned in previous entries when I thought I might be pregnant from time to time. But that identity, the elusive title of “parents”, is still beyond our grasp.

It’s difficult to accept that one year after a positive test result, we’re still no closer to having a baby.

There is a faint glimmer of hope right now, but I’m trying not to hang too much on it. My last period more closely resembled implantation bleeding than an actual period; both tests were negative, so I’m going to give it a few more days, and then try again. My bra is a bit tight, too. So…there’s a possibility…a slim chance, but a chance nonetheless. And if it turns out to be negative, which would not surprise me, we’ll keep going, and hope that a year from now, we are celebrating more than just the second anniversary of a positive pregnancy test.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Oh, what a shock.

2 HPT's, one last night, one this morning...both negative.


I really don't know why I bother sometimes. I mean, what's the point? After 4 years of constantly having reasons to say "hey, that COULD mean I'm pregnant!", only to get a negative HPT every damn time (except that one time...and we know how that one turned out...), it's hard to be optimistic about anything. Even these last few times when I *knew*, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I *had* to be pregnant...still a part of me, in the back of my mind, knew the test wouldn't turn positive. And that part of me is starting to wonder -- has been wondering for some time -- if any test will ever turn positive...and if it does, will it be like the last one? A week or two (or more) of elation that the struggle is finally over, only to have the rug pulled out from under us again? It's like my body saying "Look! Success! Finally!....Psyche!"

I'm really not sure how much more of this I can take.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

*sigh* How frustrating.

Good lord...this roller coaster is getting aggravating. TMI ahead!

As I mentioned a while back, I KNEW I was pregnant. When the test came back negative, I was stunned. Then a short while later, I started getting some wicked PMS, but wasn't sure if it might be some *other* I tested again. Negative, of course.

Friday, Aunt Flo showed up. Well...sort of. Very very light, and no cramps. At least THAT part was nice...considering my periods are usually obscenely painful. 4 days later, it's stopped. Completely. Without ever really getting going much at all to begin with. WTF?

So now I have to wonder...could it have been implantation bleeding?

We bought a couple of tests tonight. Going to hold off for a little while, but will probably test sometime tonight, and/or tomorrow morning.

Stay tuned...