A trip down the baby aisle.

My friend's baby shower is tomorrow, so we went to Target to buy gifts. There was just no way I could stomach going to Babies R Us...at least at Target, we could hightail it to the electronics section or something if we needed to come up for air. Babies R Us is baby stuff at critical mass...something my psyche just can't handle right now.

It's kind of surreal wandering through those aisles, looking at all the things that I, a little over a year ago, had been adding to my growing mental "things we'll need in a few months" list. And of course, the calendar in my head makes sure to remind me whenever possible how old our baby would be now and how if things had worked out differently, we'd already be past the point of needing a lot of the stuff we were seeing. Hell, I'd have a clue what half the stuff was.

A year from now, who knows what life will be like? Maybe we'll have a baby of our own by then.

Sorry for the somewhat pointless ramble. I'll try to post more often now, just haven't really felt up to it. Thanks to everyone who has e-mailed and commented on my blog -- it really does help to know that people care. :)

An update.

I know, I know, it’s been a while since I’ve posted an update. Hopefully I won’t go this long without posting again…life’s just been busy.

We had a blast visiting family and friends in Washington. The first anniversary of the miscarriage came and went…it was a bit depressing, but being around everyone helped get my mind off of it.

On the health front, things are looking up. My acupuncturist is still seeing a positive change in terms of hormones, and suggested testing weekly from here on out. Fortunately, I found some wicked cheap test strips on eBay – they’re the same kind that doctors use, instead of the insanely overpriced EPT’s and crap at the grocery store. I really should’ve bought stock in EPT a few years ago…I jokingly told my acupuncturist that I have probably spent as much money on tests as I have coming to see him.

So…right now I’m waiting for my test strips to get here, and then I’ll see if anything happens. I’ve felt a bit…odd…lately. For the last couple of months, actually…which is why the acupuncturist has been so insistent that I test regularly.

I’ll post an update when I get the next test result. Send BFP vibes, people!!

A brief update.

All the "signs" are still there, but an HPT on Saturday morning was negative. Still no period.

So...nothing new...just the same old uncertain shit.

October 15th: Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day

October 15th is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

Ironically, October 15, 2006 was the day of my second miscarriage.

I may or may not be online that day, as I will be traveling, but for those of you remembering a loss that day, my heart goes out to you.

Not a whole lot more to say. I just wanted to post something about that day, as many people are unaware of it.

Another milestone.

It was a year ago today that I found out I was pregnant. Finally, after countless negatives, a test turned positive.

In turn, the 15th will mark one year since I miscarried that pregnancy.

Reflecting on the last year, it’s difficult to comprehend that just one year ago, I was pregnant. It’s hard to imagine that overwhelming feeling that the surreal had just become real, that there was no turning back, that in a few months, it would finally be our turn to have our lives turned upside-down by a new baby. At last, we could go into Babies R Us as real parents-to-be. Our entire identity was changing. We were part of The Club. We were going to be parents.

A year later, we’re still who we were, just another year older and no closer to being parents than we were before that test turned positive. We’ve had a few fleeting glimpses of hope, as I’ve mentioned in previous entries when I thought I might be pregnant from time to time. But that identity, the elusive title of “parents”, is still beyond our grasp.

It’s difficult to accept that one year after a positive test result, we’re still no closer to having a baby.

There is a faint glimmer of hope right now, but I’m trying not to hang too much on it. My last period more closely resembled implantation bleeding than an actual period; both tests were negative, so I’m going to give it a few more days, and then try again. My bra is a bit tight, too. So…there’s a possibility…a slim chance, but a chance nonetheless. And if it turns out to be negative, which would not surprise me, we’ll keep going, and hope that a year from now, we are celebrating more than just the second anniversary of a positive pregnancy test.

Oh, what a shock.

2 HPT's, one last night, one this morning...both negative.

*sigh*

I really don't know why I bother sometimes. I mean, what's the point? After 4 years of constantly having reasons to say "hey, that COULD mean I'm pregnant!", only to get a negative HPT every damn time (except that one time...and we know how that one turned out...), it's hard to be optimistic about anything. Even these last few times when I *knew*, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I *had* to be pregnant...still a part of me, in the back of my mind, knew the test wouldn't turn positive. And that part of me is starting to wonder -- has been wondering for some time -- if any test will ever turn positive...and if it does, will it be like the last one? A week or two (or more) of elation that the struggle is finally over, only to have the rug pulled out from under us again? It's like my body saying "Look! Success! Finally!....Psyche!"

I'm really not sure how much more of this I can take.

*sigh* How frustrating.

Good lord...this roller coaster is getting aggravating. TMI ahead!

As I mentioned a while back, I KNEW I was pregnant. When the test came back negative, I was stunned. Then a short while later, I started getting some wicked PMS, but wasn't sure if it might be some *other* hormones...so I tested again. Negative, of course.

Friday, Aunt Flo showed up. Well...sort of. Very very light, and no cramps. At least THAT part was nice...considering my periods are usually obscenely painful. 4 days later, it's stopped. Completely. Without ever really getting going much at all to begin with. WTF?

So now I have to wonder...could it have been implantation bleeding?

We bought a couple of tests tonight. Going to hold off for a little while, but will probably test sometime tonight, and/or tomorrow morning.

Stay tuned...